Renewing Your Marriage
Marriages are not working.
They are, for the most part, broken.
Half of all marriages end in divorce.
Marriages need an expiration date.
I can only speak to marriages in the United States, because that is what I am familiar with. But, I can certainly speak to that.
Now, I am not bragging or anything, but I have been married three times.
That’s right kids. Sometimes it takes a little longer to know just what you want. Sometimes a girl kisses a few frogs and that is totally cool, because clearly marriage is not easy.
But… in the whole process of frog-kissing, you learn a few things.
Like what not to do.
Since my husband and I are both on our third marriages, we entered into our marriage with eyes open, both knowing what it’s like when things go terribly wrong. My husband and I were best friends when we got married, and we did not want to mess that up. We wanted to do whatever we could to keep ourselves in a good place and we were both painfully aware that marriages need continuous attention and care.
Like all good partnerships, marriages need to be talked about. Marriages need boundaries and validation and advocacy and appreciation. Marriages need to be fed and watered regularly with plenty of sunlight.
This comes in the form of being ever-mindful of the incredible fortune of simply having each other.
It comes in the form of realizing that you are both deeply flawed, and also doing your best.
It comes from recognizing you love each other deeply, even when your marriage looks like you don’t.
For us, this meant that we would renew our marriage every five years, or the marriage would simply expire.
You heard that right. Every five years one of us needs to propose, and the other needs to accept, and if both happen, then we start all over again.
We plan our re-wedding and renegotiate our contract. We iron out details, we talk about what has worked and what we are still holding onto. Sometimes we go to therapy.
Marriage is not for the faint of heart.
And, if we are not willing to do all that, we have both agreed that we would let the marriage expire.
No drama, no hurtful behavior – just expire. Because renegotiating is hard and if we are not willing to put in the effort, we are not prepared for the difficulty that will follow in an unattended marriage garden.
Weeds will take root and spread bitterness.
Leaves will not be hydrated and will start to wither.
Pests might even infiltrate and cause problems.
Yes, planning and executing a wedding and deeply touching base with one another every five years is a lot – but it is nothing compared to the heartbreak of a dilapidated marriage.
And the idea of a marriage expiring every five years makes me happy. It feels right.
Making a commitment for life doesn’t really make sense. Honestly, could you imagine signing a life-long work contract? Or committing to a phone carrier for life?
No. Eternal contracts are only for pacts you make with the devil. Marriages need an expiration date.
Over the 50-ish years you are going to be married, you and your partner will (hopefully) change and evolve. What you want at 25 may not be the same as what you want at 60.
If you have children, they will grow and your relationship and responsibilities to them will shift over the years.
Your goals, values, bodies, attitudes, financial status, and even temperament will evolve over time. Shouldn’t our mutual expectations evolve as well?
We all want to be mindful about our marriage, but this system helps to insure it.
Look, the marriage contract is not even a real contract. There are no standards or negotiations as part of it. I have had more mindful conversations about expectations with my water filter company than many people have before getting married.
We should be sorting this shit out BEFORE the contract is signed.
Kids? Jobs? Location? Priorities?
And, most importantly, how do we want to be in relation to one another?
Contracts normally include dissolution guidelines. If we decide to separate, what would that look like? How can we compensate each partner’s sacrifice over the course of the marriage? How will our dependent life forms (children, pets) spend their time when we step aside? How will we divide our assets? Prenups are not for the 1%; they should be for everyone who wants to know the person they are marrying.
There would likely be far fewer marriages if we had to negotiate a contract that looked like this.
And far fewer divorces.
A marriage is a beginning, and an expiration date is an ending.
But, as my husband and I will tell you, there is so much joy in rolling through this beginning and this ending seamlessly.
We just had our third wedding (we’ve now each been married six times!), but there is no resting on our laurels; we are both up for reelection in another five years.
Time to go about the business of living mindfully and appreciating one another in every moment.
