Orphan at 36
My dad died when I was 30 and my mom died 6 years later. I was 36 when I became an orphan.
So, like, yeah, I was married with two kids in a house on a cul-de-sac and I was pretty sure I was pulling off the “I am a real life grown-up” vibe. It wasn’t like my parents were leaving their baby to fend for herself in the woods.
Except they kind of were.
Not the woods, exactly, but in the world for sure. This is a funny feeling, because I left home at 18 and except for a few short stints, I never lived at my parent’s house again. I never asked them for money. I never took their advice. Why, then, does the death of my parents hurt like I have been gutted? Why is it that the loss of my parents created a forever hole in my heart? Why, when I did not depend on my parents on the daily, does losing them make me feel like I am free-falling through life?
I wish I knew the answer to that, but… it just is. Losing your parents means losing your first real attachment to this world. Sometimes that happens for a baby at birth, and sometimes it happens to young children. When this happens, the heartbreak is undeniable. But even if you are a grown-up, a real grown up with a mortgage and a string of pearls, your heart breaks and you feel deeply the loss of your first attachment.
You feel it gutturally and it lives forever in your core.
Sure, I never took my parent’s advice, but it was comforting to receive it. Sure, I didn’t go back to live with my parents, but there is a serenity that comes with hanging out at your parent’s house and never feeling like you are a welcome guest. I know my gypsy heart never allowed me to be the kind of daughter who comes for dinner once a week, but knowing that I could always go to my parent’s house for dinner is a peace of mind I will never again have.
I know parent/child relationships are hard and I should be super-grateful I had a 36-year run being parented by less-than-perfect, but always loving parents. I am grateful and always will be. My parents gave me the message that I was worthy of being adored and for that I will always have deep gratitude. Starting out with that foundation has seen me through some questionable times in my life and has guided my own parenting.
We are all vibrant, fabulous beings worthy of love, dignity, and adoration.
So, let’s all start adoring one another the way parents adore their children because parents don’t live forever and being orphaned at any age is just the worst. So, reader – I adore you. I may not know you, but if I did, I bet I could find the small pieces of amazing that a loving parent would notice. I bet if I knew you I would figure out all the gifts you bring to the world that you don’t even know about yet. That is what parents do, and that is why it is so difficult to lose them.
I have been an orphan for over a decade now. I should be used to it, but I still think about calling my mom every day. For real, no one loves you like your parents and if you are lucky enough to have your parents still in your life – bask in it.
Bask in the love of your parents, and learn to turn around and give that kind of love right back to the world.
I think that is the best way an orphan can honor parents lost.
