In the Mangiacotti-Miller house we use the phrase “Acknowledge please” at least 100 times a day. We have lots of kids around the age where they think it is OK to grunt in response, or not respond at all, or just look up at the clouds and say “La la la” until the person who has asked you a question gives up and wanders away. This is not OK. When someone asks you a question, you respond. When someone addresses you, you respond. As we tell the kids, you don’t have to agree with them, or give up your chair for them – or whatever. You just have to acknowledge they exist. Any that they are talking to you. It is simple and it, unlike most things in our house, is a non-negotiable.

Unfortunately, this is not a rule for everyone. I, of course, have occasion to speak to or deal with my husband’s ex-wife – who also parents the kids. When I do this, by phone, or text, or email, or even hand-written note – she pretends I do not exist. If I ask a question, the response goes to my husband. I don’t really take this personally because this is the same kind of relationship she had with the ex-ex wife who came before her, so it is simply the way she communicates, or chooses not too. But seriously, after three years of this, I am so done. It is just rude. So this week I have reached a boiling point and I am pissed off. I sent a deluge of texts yesterday including ones like “Hello…tap tap tap…is this thing on?” And finally got a text saying “acknowledged”. Thanks. That is all I needed.

In fact, that is all any of us need really – it is a basic part of human behavior. We want to be seen, heard, acknowledged. Being invisible wears on the spirit. We see this every day with our two-year old who wants nothing more than to be seen as part of the family. Her whole life is spent watching us, especially the big kids, and doing what we do. She is just looking to be acknowledged, her place in the world confirmed.

She was barely eighteen months when she first set the table for dinner, stacking the plates and cups as best as her little body would let her with a serious look on her face. When we noticed her, and made note of her contribution- she was thrilled.

My husband Miller finds himself in the situation of being invisible sometimes. Sometimes I will make comments about how Taylor Lautner would look with water running down the washboard maze that is his torso and Miller will often exclaim “I AM RIGHT HERE!” Apparently, Miller wants to be acknowledged too. Bless his heart. [Editor’s note: I’m still right here!]

My kids had a run-in with being dismissed the other day. On a field trip with other home-schoolers, my little self-declared atheists piped up about their religious beliefs (or lack thereof). This particular group of home schoolers is predominantly Christian and were so disturbed by this dangerous idea, one kid even cried. My kids soon realized they were in the minority, and worse yet, the adults on the bus refused to acknowledge their right to their individual beliefs. One adult said “They don’t have to believe in God if they don’t want to.” At this point my kids were like ‘phew! finally! some back-up!’ – but wait, there is more. The grown-up then went on to say “I mean, it is just like not believing in gravity or air… but they can do that if they want.” Wha?!?! Really? My kids pointed out how it is nothing like not believing in gravity or air – but they were really hurt that no one had their back. They wanted to be seen, they wanted to be acknowledged.

We crave this as humans, we crave acknowledgement in the world. Not necessarily approval or support – but just a simple acknowledgement when you say “I am right here.” Kids know this. “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy – Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!!!!” This is pure evidence of the fact that humans crave this. Luckily, most of us have found more subtle ways to seek recognition – but the sentiment is often still there.

With kids, we often get it right, offering lots of praise and recognition for even small accomplishments – but we often get it wrong as well – dismissing the things that are important to them. In adult relationships, when one person feels dismissed – the shit starts hitting the fan. At least in adult relationships with me.

No one seems to understand this concept more than grandparents. They are all about acknowledging, making kids feel important They send stickers in the mail and cards that just say “Thinking of you.” or “You are awesome!” Seriously, who doesn’t need a little of that in their life? I am having to potty train for the first time since my Mom died. I am not sure how to even do this. How do you make your child feel good about proper peeing when you can’t call Nana every time pee makes it into the potty? Who else is going to act like no one in the history of the world has ever made a poop quite like your little one’s poop – swooning with excitement about all things excrement? No one. The answer is no one. Hopefully, anyway.

It has been said that if you want your child to have a great self esteem, have your face light up when they walk into the room.” I think this is true. Acknowledge them, consider them important, never let them feel dimissed by you – and for the love of God (or who ever else my Atheist kids want to reference) respond when someone calls you or texts you or whatever. Even if it is your ex-husband’s wife.