Sometimes it sucks to be a dad. As a dad, or even as a man, you are swimming upstream when it comes to having close relationships with children. There are a lot of societal factors working against you. People are often suspect when a man shows interest in hanging out with children, and no one wants to set off any creepy alarms. If you are a dad who has gone through a divorce, chances are you are not the custodial parent of your children and you are probably in danger of being called either a deadbeat dad or a Disney dad, or maybe even a deadbeat Disney dad. If you haven’t gone through divorce, chances are high you work outside the home and your connection to your children is limited by that. As a man, you are probably programmed to be emotionally detached and and may consider providing your only familial obligation. If you are a dad who is able to spend days as a caregiver for your children, it may be tough to be the only man at library story time, or awkward when a group of moms corner you at Chucky Cheese, interrogating about why your kids are being chaperoned by you instead of their Mom. Yes, there are some serious “Good Daddy” cards stacked against you, so here are five things I think all dads need to hear: 1. IT  IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU Maybe it was all about you earlier in life. Maybe your mom cut the crusts off your sandwiches until you were 25, or you bought every new toy that came out and spent all of your free time playing with them, or maybe you long for the days when your wife gave you the impression that you were the center of the universe. Guess what? That is over. Time to put on your big boy pants and realize you have a little person depending on you. 2. SHOW UP I get it – you work. You are tired. You are not particularly interested in pretending to be The King at the royal tea party or throwing a ball to a kid who clearly can’t catch one. You want to come home and put on Sports Central and zone out. But don’t. Push through it and hang out with your kids. Go to their sports stuff and school stuff. Sit with them when they do homework. Take them with you when you go to Home Depot. Just show up and give them the message they matter. 3. REAL MEN SAY I LOVE YOU Working all the time to provide for your children does not tell them that you love them. You need to tell them that. You working all the time just tells them you like your computer. Tell them you love them and that you are proud of them. Kids don’t get tired of hearing “I love you, no matter what.” and “I am so proud of you.”  Even when they tell you to stop saying it and tell you it’s embarrassing and roll their eyes. They need to hear it. A lot. Being a hard worker is a great thing, but keep balance in your life and your family at the top of your priority list. You will be happier and ultimately more productive. What you say to your kids and the messages you send to them through your actions matter. A lot. 4. IT ONLY LASTS A MOMENT You are a dad for the rest of your life, but the time when your kids are young and in constant demand of your time and energy will go by so quickly your head will spin. I know it seems like dinner time and bath time and bed time leave you with no time – but that only lasts about 10 precious years. After that they will need your physical (but never your emotional) presence less. It may seem hard to believe when you are in the thick of diapers, elementary school science nights, and piano lessons – but there will be a time when your kids will be doing their own thing and you will want to be with them, but they will be too busy for you. Come on, you have all heard “Cats in the Cradle” – you know what I mean. It only lasts a moment – so be in the moment. 5. BE A HERO Congratulations! You are the barometer by which your children will measure all other men in their lives. Set the bar high, kids. Show your sons that men behave with integrity, honor, and strength. Show your daughters that men treat people with respect and have dignity in their relationships. Even if your father was deeply flawed, or maybe nonexistent in your life. Even if you struggle with addiction or difficult life circumstances – be the person your kids think you are. Be a hero. My dad is a hero. He was everything a kid wants a dad to be: strong, caring, filled with integrity, and a sucker for my tears. He also had the good fortune of dying 10 years ago, solidifying his title as a hero and achieving legendary status. But when I talk to friends about their dads, there always seems to be a yearning. They are yearning for approval and pride, of course, but it seems to me they are also yearning for just knowing their fathers. Mothers are usually the primary caregivers and the source of unconditional love, but dads are a bit trickier. As kids we often don’t know where we stand with our dads and we can spend a long time trying to figure that out. I am thankful every day that I am married to a great dad to our children. He plays hard, encourages them to be strong, and tells them all the time how much he loves them. I also have two baby daddies who love my kids fiercely and who have always been committed to showing up for them. There are lots of great dads in my life, and in the world. Today is Father’s day. A time when those with dads who don’t wear ties or play golf look desperately for an appropriate card, and usually settle for a box of beef jerky or membership to the bacon-of-the-month club. A time when we honor the contributions our fathers have made to the world and to our lives. A time when we think about what our dads mean to us, and what we mean to them. Think about the kind of Dad you want to be – then be that Dad. Think about your Father, and love him for exactly who he is. Happy Father’s day. P.S. Have a story about your father you’d like to share here? Please do so in the comments section below.

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