Now, I do believe in marriage. I believe in it strongly – so strongly, in fact, that I have been married three times. I realize some people think having more than one marriage means you are demeaning the institution – but I disagree. For me, it means my faith in marriage is so strong I publicly jump into it even when it seems to be, at least statistically, a really poor choice. I love being married and I’m so in love it seems like I gush out something that sounds like a wedding vow to my husband at least once a day. I love marriage and believe in working hard to make it great and fighting for it with ferocious intensity. I love marriage and my wish for everyone is that they have the happiest, healthiest union they can.

But still, divorce happens.

Sometimes you look at your partner and realize that the person you once stood across from and promised to love forever is no longer someone you can live your best life with, or maybe unconditional love has been replaced a betrayal of heart, mind, or body, or maybe your spouse tells you staying married is no longer an option – but, for whatever reason, divorce happens.

So, what to do when divorce rolls in like a storm? Well, isn’t that just the question of the century? How can anyone attempt to give really good relevant advice about one of the most devastating things that can happen in your life? Who is someone else to tell you what to do when your life is ravaged by the divorce tornado, when there is no way to possibly understand your situation? What idiot thinks she can shed some stupid light on the life altering upset that comes with the end of a marriage?

This idiot.

Since I am now pretty delirious with happiness, I figure I may have done something right – so I have organized my thoughts, strategies and perspective to share. Yes, divorce happens – and it sucks, but here are five ways to minimize the suckiness:

In my last divorce, my ex-husband told everyone about how I was the one who was divorcing him – even though he first asked for a divorce. Twice in fact. Six months apart. Complete with details and logistics. A plan. He was awfully fond of saying “It takes two people to get married, but only one to get divorced.”

OK, I suppose that may be true – but it does take two people to participate in the dynamic that leads to D-land, so figure out what your part was in all of it and own it.

If you don’t own your own part in creating your reality, you risk thinking of your ex as the aggressor and you as the victim. You risk being trapped by a bunch of “If only he/she would___, then I could ____” or “I have no choice but to…” or “You left me, so I have to….” or any other victim-like thing that leaves you feeling powerless and angry. That is not who you want to be.

Figuring out your part in the ill-fated marriage dynamic and owning it is a lot less expensive (both financially and emotionally) than living like a victim. Plus, no one really believes you when you say nothing is your fault. Not even you. Not really.

This one is both heart-breaking and inspiring. Just like your life and your parenting and your home, your tribe will shift in divorce. The tribe you thought was yours, the one you counted on to support you no matter what, may leave you and break your heart even more (if possible). They may leave you because they don’t know how to act with you anymore, or because you are now broke, or because you are messing with their picture of how things should be, or because having a single person among married ones is too dangerous an idea for them.

Whatever the reason, this may feel like the end of the world to you – but, as always, it is not. The world will keep turning and a new tribe will emerge for you. People who love you no matter what will there for you and they will say things like “Do you need to stay with me for a while?” “How can I help you?” and “”You are so strong, I am so proud of you.” Somehow, it will happen – you will get what you need and you will know the difference between people who are not strong enough to be a good friend and those who are. It may take a while, but this has great value.

Getting a divorce is a great weeding out process.

I give this advice, although I have not learned to really follow it. But, I am Italian – maybe this is possible for others.

It is really important to realize that divorce is nasty business. It brings out the worst in people and they switch to intense self preservation mode. Knowing this can help you get some emotional distance when your ex is taking you to the mat over your grandmother’s gravy boat. You are hurt and thinking “Who does this? He/she once loved me, we have kids together – why the cruelty? They don’t even like gravy.” This is painful. Being targeted and bullied is tough, especially from someone you once thought was your heart, your family. You may think “What have I done to deserve this?” And the answer is; this is not about what you deserve, it is about divorce. And it sucks.

I think it is inevitable that at some point in the divorce process, you will think “This is not fair.” It is also important to note at this point that I have never, ever heard of anyone come out of a divorce who did not feel screwed. Both parties will feel like they got screwed and both parties will choke on the unfairness. Just know that it will happen and accept it. As soon as I was able to realize that I was not going to be treated fairly and that the person I spent so much of my life with had no trouble picking the meat off my bones as I lie dying in the desert, I felt much better. It is freeing really.

It is also good to remember that your divorce settlement will not define who you are as you go forward. Even if you leave the marriage with nothing more than the clothes on your back and a bread maker, you are still in charge of your own destiny and you can do anything.

But in order to un-charge the emotions of the situation, you need someone to argue for you so that you can give them all the information and sit back and work on your own healing.

Some people think it is smart to try to negotiate on their own to save money. It is not.

Get a lawyer. Get a pit-bull of a lawyer and let them charge up emotionally. It will cost you outrageous amounts of money and may make you sob as you write the check, but inner peace is worth it and you should just resign yourself to the fact that you are going to be broke for at least the next 5 years.

Divorce is expensive – but nothing is as expensive as your sense of well-being.

Again, easier said than done.

As you journey in to D-ville, someone is likely to say something to you like “I know it is tough now, but in 20 years you will be at the kids wedding and you will be thinking about what a great job you did.” And you will want to smack that person in the face. But don’t.

They are just trying to tell you that this too shall pass, and they are right.

This marriage did not work for you, something else will. You feel like you have been run over by a truck, but you won’t always feel that way. Eventually, you will recover from the financial loss, the loss of security and self esteem, and the deep, deep sadness that comes with the end of a relationship.

The weight and the difficulty of this process will not last forever.

Connect with the big picture and with the things in your life that are working. If you have children, enjoy your relationship with them. Be thankful for health you do have. Relate to your support network, lean on them and be of help to others to get you out of your self a bit. Appreciate the fact that you live in a time and place where you are able to get a divorce and move on in your life.

Focus on the big picture of where you want your life to be even when, especially when, that seems so far away.

This is the fun part. Chances are if you are getting a divorce, you have been deeply entrenched in misery for some time. You may not even remember what your groove looks like, maybe you feel like you have never been in your groove at all. But no worries – it is never too late to embrace your groove.

Here is the thing – you are never going to be 38, or 55, or 43 – or whatever age you are, again. This is your one chance to have this day, this year, this precious, precious life. The divorce is happening because your marriage was not letting you live your best life. So, now it is time to claim your right to your best life -after all, isn’t that the point?

So, how do you do get a ticket to ride on the best life groove train?

First, take really good care of yourself. Eat, sleep, drink lots of water and go for long walks. Imagine yourself walking through the divorce swamp and coming to the gorgeous meadow in the other side. Exercise. Move your body so much during the day that you fall fast asleep at night and get out of your head a little. Exercise until you feel your body getting stronger and you will start to feel stronger about everything. Make yourself go through the motions of taking great care of yourself even when you don’t feel like it. You can make yourself happier from the outside in.

Second, find your groove – what do you do really well? When are you at your best? When was the last time you felt on top of the world? Why? Once you figure out what makes you happy – do that.

And lastly, get in touch with your smoking hot, attractive self. Put on your favorite sweater and the jeans that hug your ass and meet the world with a flirty smile and a friendly hello. Realize that all the self doubt that comes with divorce does has no place in your life. So, you are not the right person for your ex – but you are the right person for yourself, and probably for someone else out there when you are ready for that. As my Mom said “There is an ass for every seat.” You are just finding a more comfortable chair.

It is possible to emerge from a divorce stronger and happier than ever, to thrive in the new life you create for yourself. Of course, it is also possible that divorce throws you into a downward spiral of depression self loathing you are unable to emerge from – but the good news is, it is up to you.