So, what is going on?

The answer appears to be complicated and layered. Starting something, well, it takes courage. It is like saying – “Here I am, making my best effort.” It opens us up to criticism and we generally don’t like that. OK, I generally don’t like that. I don’t like doing a “Mickey Mouse job” (as my Dad would say). I like to be able to do things well, and when I am not sure if the outcome will be perfect, I do nothing.

What kind of crazy it THAT?

Seriously, that is really where my head goes. Maybe not consciously, but certainly on some level I think completely avoiding a project will work out better than just starting at the beginning and getting done what I can. Now, this has to be a piece of my mind that keeps itself secret form the rest of my brain – because I would never allow this nonsense to live in there if I noticed it. When my kids say things like “I didn’t put my clothes away because I can’t reach the top shelf where the winter boots go.” or “I can’t make myself toast because I don’t know how to spread butter.” – I look at them incredulously and say “Do what you can do. You would be surprised at how easy spreading butter can be once you put a buttered knife in your hand and look down at warm toast; it’s so much harder to do when you are staring at an empty toaster. “Ring the bells that still can ring.”

This last phrase comes to me from a Leonard Cohen song, Anthem:

Thanks Leonard, brilliant as usual. The conscious part of my brain that I approve of thinks of this quote often. I say it to myself all the time, like when a baby has a major poop blow-out at the last minute as we’re heading out the door and I miss getting to Yoga on time. That’s when I say “Ring the bells that still can ring” and just go to the gym and get on the treadmill. Or when the house is so overwhelmingly messy I consider moving rather than cleaning, I eventually say “Ring the bells that still can ring” and start in the kitchen. The chances of ever having a perfect offering are pretty slim, and I may never have all the tax paperwork together – but it only makes sense for me to do what I can. We may not get every deduction or break we can – but it will not be hanging over my head for another year.

In the movie CinderElmo (I know, lofty reference right? I am so proud) – Elmo wishes on a star and his Fairy Godperson shows up. But, just as you are starting to cringe thinking all of CinderElmo’s problems will magically get solved – the Fairy Godperson tells Elmo to stop dreaming and “Do something.” He explains that “Doing is what makes a dream come true.” It is awesome. It almost redeems a movie where French Stewart plays Prince Charming. This idea that it is not enough to dream, you actually have to roll up your sleeves and get working, is a great message for kids. It is actually an even better message for adults. The kids I know actually do things to achieve their dreams. They draw to practice their dream of being a fashion designer, they sell their old toys to save up and buy new ones, and they pick up brochures of Disney world to encourage their parents to make plans to go. They usually do whatever is in their power to make their dreams come true (or at least get a little closer).

Adults are usually the ones who find it easier and safer to keep dreams as dreams. Setting out on the road to make your dream come true means you could end up on the road of failure as well. If you never do anything, you can’t fall short of getting it done. We can find lots of reasons to keep our dreams in dreamland: we have kids, we have a mortgage, we don’t have the money or time, we are too old or too young, we will start on it as soon as we lose the last 10 lbs. It’s easy to find reasons why we shouldn’t pursue our dreams, however if those barriers were removed we would still be left with the biggest barrier of all: our fear. Having an idea for an amazing novel in your head is a whole lot easier than writing and submitting it and then later reading rejection letters from publishing companies. Staying home and watching “Grey’s Anatomy“, wishing you had a relationship with someone three-dimensional is a whole lot easier than getting up the courage to ask someone to a movie, all the time worrying about maybe being told “Ah, well, I have a thing… so I can’t but… maybe later… like another time… or some…thing.” Yeah, that is the appeal of a dream, that nasty little bugger reality doesn’t diminish it at all. Once you start doing something to make it reality – reality has a right to be there, hitting hard and fast. D’oh!

Ouch!

Although I fall into the “do nothing unless you have the perfect offering” mentality with things like taxes, I am trying to change that up a bit. In fact, this blog is my attempt to do something. On New Year’s day 2011, while driving back from our ill-fated attempt to visit our friends in Canada, my husband asked “What do you want to do that you are not doing? What is your dream? How can we make that happen?” This is a great question. It is an even better question when it comes from your husband – but in my particular case, it is one that should be answered very carefully. My husband tends to go full-on, 100%, 100 mph in the direction of making things happen, so I needed to be careful what I wished for in this scenario. As I thought about it, I have or have done most of the things I have dreamed of. I have always wanted to be a teacher, a comedian, have a big family, and be in love. Check on all counts here, so what do I want? I want to go to the Academy awards for a screenplay (it really would be an honor just to be nominated) – but I really want to wait for an inspired screenplay idea before that happens. So what is my dream right now?

What I really want, my dream, is to have my own radio show, or TV show, or podcast, or filled auditorium. What I really want is a venue and an audience, I want to encourage people to think in different ways. I want to shake things up a bit, make people’s lives better, challenge their way of doing things and encourage a more mindful existence. Admitting that is a bit scary to me, because of course, if that never happens what does that mean? And what if I admit that and readers think I am crazy for thinking I have anything important to say? And now that I have said what I really want, people may hold it against me – demanding “who are you to offer advice when you can’t even get what you want for yourself?” Yikes – that is all kind of intimidating. But still, it is what I want and that would be deeply fulfilling to me. It is hard to start on the road to making your dreams come true if you are not ready to say where you want the road to go.

When my husband asked this question and I answered honestly, saying my dream out loud – it left me compelled to do something. Since my life is pretty jam-packed – what bells were there that I could still ring? I thought about it and that night when we came home I started this blog, Girl on Saturday. I have written a blog every week since then and this post will be my fourteenth. At this point in my life, this is a kind of big deal. It’s a really big deal. It requires my family to sacrifice part of their Saturday with me, and it requires my husband/editor to stay up late Saturday night making sure it gets out. It isn’t the whole of my dream, but it is what I can do and it has been really, really good for me. Every message I have received from someone who has been moved by something I have written brings me intense joy and makes me more solid in my desire to make my dream a (gulp) reality.

I will try as hard as I can to get my taxes in as soon as possible, in whatever offering I can manage. But, in the meantime, I will continue to write my blog, and since I’m being courageous with my dream, I’m going to move it a little closer to reality and ask you for this: If you’ve ever been moved by these words, please share that experience with me in a comment below. Talk about Girl on Saturday on Facebook, on your blog, via email, on Twitter — tell your friends. Follow this blog (use the button to the right). And if you happen to be a producer for a talk show or radio station — give me a shot. Together we’ll ring the bells that still can ring – cracks and all – hoping that some light gets in and illuminates that path toward making it all happen.