When I read this I started to rationalize “But, but…” And then I stopped. The man has a point. The Mangiacotti-Miller family is a complicated one, with no fewer than three Dads and Moms floating around for any given kid, so we are often trying to find when to say “Step” and “Half” in front of our family labels – or when not to. I try to gently let the kids know that the woman in the store who casually says “Oh look at you – aren’t you the good big sister” doesn’t really need a 10 minute presentation on how you are actually only a half sister to that particular sibling, and how the other girl in the store is actually your step sister and how the kid outside in the car is your half brother and he is waiting with your step mother, etc… In that case, you can just say “Thank you.”

We also try to steer away from the phrase “Real Dad” or “Real Mom” or “Real House” We explain that the guy who carried you upstairs last night when you were sleeping even though you weigh over 80 lbs. isn’t exactly “Fake”. And, you may have two or more homes – but they are all real homes filled with real people who love you, even if you spend more time in one than the other. We try to be careful with the words and labels we use – letting the kids know labels are important and they shape the way others feel about us, they even shape how we feel about ourselves. With all of the thought, conversation, and care I have invested in this topic why do I still feel the need to differentiate between children who are “Step” and who are “from my body”? I don’t. It is irrelevant.

When I ask myself the reasons for doing this, I am not overly-impressed by my answers. One of the reasons is that our oldest daughter is 20 and it feels strange for me to say I have a 20-year-old. That is a very lame reason – who am I trying to kid? I could have a 20 year old daughter; I would have had her young, but it is very possible. Am I afraid people will think I am old? News flash Karen, you are 40 – no one is confusing you with the 20-year-old or her friends. Be a woman and suck it up.

The next reason for differentiation is that I feel like saying I have 7 kids without specifying that only four are from my body would unfairly lead people to believe I have done more work that I have actually done. This is also incredibly lame. Honestly, are people really thinking that deeply about it? Does it make that much of a difference if I have been through seven pregnancies or only four? Somewhere between four pregnancies and seven is there a magical point of no return? Are people thinking “She said she has 7 kids and she doesn’t look like she has been pregnant more than four times – five max.” Silly Karen, stop thinking so much about it.

The third reason I have for making this distinction is perhaps the most disturbing one of all. I say I am am a step-Mom because I am not sure if all the kids feel the same way I do and they might reject me. Wha??? What am I 12? I should be a grown-up; I should realize how the kids feel about me is separate from how I feel about them; I should simply put out how I feel without any expectations in return. If I say the kids are my kids and that is honest and true for me, then that is as it should be. If making a distinction is honest and true for them, then that is as it should be as well. Our perspectives do not need to be tied each other and trying to make it so is not what the best, most thoughtful me would do in this situation. A little insecure, Karen? I need to take a cue from my eight-year-old. The other day she declared who her best friend is. When her older brother obnoxiously asked “What if she already has a best friend – or what if you are not her best friend?” The eight-year-old told him “you can have more than one best friend and it doesn’t matter if you are their best friend, it only matters how you think of them.” Wow. When did she get more mature than me?

The beautiful thing about this is that when you just stick with what is true for you – you are never wrong. You also don’t have to worry about losing your position in someone else’s eyes. If you worry someone else may take your place as a best friend, then your actions may be driven more by fear instead of friendship or love. I really need to do the same with the kids. They are simply our kids, basta. I put that out there because it is how I think of it and that is that. If folks want to draw conclusions based on age, or judgments based on perceived status, then they can have at it. If the kids still want to use step-____ that is OK too. I got called out on something and now I am changing so I can be as grown-up as my eight year old.

I love RT pointing this out for me. RT and his partner just adopted a son, Ben (OK, Ben is not his real name – but it is the name of the son Will and his partner adopted, and I do have a daughter 6 months younger that him who is, for all intent and purpose, Lilah – but I digress on a tangent only the loyal Will and Grace fans will understand) – and RT went through the transition of having no son one day to having a son the next day. Without the 9 month adjustment period, calling the new little one your son can feel a little weird. As RT said:

I call “Ben” my son, as weird as it sounds for me. It took a few tries though. I tried (foster) son, I tried (adpoted) son… But it only took me a short period of time to look at him and know that whatever modifier or adjective he is, the noun is SON. And it was very empowering.

RT is right. It is empowering.