Boy Talk
Last week I wrote about what happens when boys torment girls, and I asked that we all think about a different response… for the girls.
And there it is.
Even I, the great and powerful Oz, er, Karen Mangiacotti, over-thinker of all things gender, watchdog of injustices toward women, everly mindful feminist – put the onus for fixing the problem once again squarely on the shoulders of the girl in the situation (although that shoulder better not be covered in a strap less than two fingers wide – because then all hell will break loose).
Even I fell into the trap of putting it on the girl to be the better, more enlightened thinker and help the boy realize the error of his ways. You know, the way dress codes are in place so boys and men won’t be tempted, the way abortion rights are restricted so men can freely spread their precious seed [Editor’s note: holy crap – is that why men fight so hard for this issue?], the way most women spend a lifetime trying to be thin and diminutive so men won’t feel threatened. The way we look to women and girls to be the keepers of kindness and civility instead of trying to get the men to move closer to it.
Last week I was part of the problem and I am deeply sorry. Programming is a real bitch.
Luckily, I have an army of feminist watchdog friends who called me the fuck out and I am so grateful. If we don’t get called out, it is so much harder to grow. So, here I am, trying to rectify the situation by addressing the part of the boy. Obviously, in real life I would have had a conversation with the boy as well and it might have looked something like this:
(lowering my voice down one serious octave and making fierce eye contact)
Is there ever an OK reason to use offensive violence?
(At this point if the answer is no, cool. If it is yes, then we would need to have a rational, calculated discussion where, he would eventually agree that there is, in fact, no reason to EVER use offensive violence, and then we would continue, emboldened with this new building block of knowledge).
If you have frustration or confusion or any other feelings that you don’t know how to talk about, that is ok. It happens and you are not alone. It is OK to have those feelings and thoughts – but it is not ever OK to hurt another person because of your feelings. Your feelings are yours to process; no one else’s. Your job is to find a way to communicate in peace. If you would like to talk to someone, I would like to listen. Maybe we can find some words together. I love you.
Or something like that.
Mostly, I just need the boy to know that feelings are hard and can take time and that it is not the responsibility of the women in his life to pick up the slack for him in any way.
And that I love him. That goes a long way.
