No Matter What
I have many friends navigating the transitioning identities of their transgender kids.
They all say the same thing: they want and need to mourn for the son or daughter they thought they had.
And I always think the same thing: “Don’t we all?”
Don’t we all need and want to mourn for the kid we thought we were going to have? The one who never criticizes their parents and does all the right things? The one who goes into the family business or religion, or stays in the same town they grew up in, or whatever? We all have visions of who we think our kids are going to be, but here is the thing…
Our kids come into our lives as people.
Adoptive parents know this, but sometimes birth parents think or hope their child is guaranteed to be a mini version of themselves, or their expectations.
The four from my body have been exactly who they are since before I held them in my arms. I had a boy who sang from the moment he opened his mouth (and hasn’t stopped) and a girl who has only ever danced instead of walking. The shocking calmness of my 9-year-old son has been there since the moment he did not cry at birth, and I have a daughter who was born with her hands on her hips and her face oh-so fierce.
It still is.
My kids were exactly who they are from the moment of birth. You don’t get to place an order for the kind of kid you would like to have.
Kids are people, not pizza.
We may think we know who our kid will become – but the only guarantee is that we most assuredly do not. We may think that if we read to them enough, they will be great students. Maybe. We may think that if we enroll them in sports they will be super athletic team players. Maybe. We may think that if they get dance, singing, and acting lessons they will undoubtedly become a triple threat.
Maybe.
But…
That child you dreamed of running with may not have legs that run. That child you dreamed of connecting with may have autism. The little girl in the pink blanket may be a boy. The child you can’t wait to cuddle may have sensory issues and simply unable to do that. That son you want to have a beer with when he is grown may not drink alcohol. That daughter you want to share secrets with may be private. You can not dictate the terms of your relationship with your child because they get to decide that as well.
My husband used to look at pictures of the kids when they were younger and say “this kid is gone forever… and now we have this new kid in our house. Every day we say goodbye to them to make room for the new kid about to arrive.”
I hated when he said this. Who wants to think of their kid being lost to them forever?
But, it is true.
They are always changing and growing in ways we can’t predict and may not always like or be comfortable with.
Our job is to meet the new person they are every day and to love them for exactly who they are on that day.
This is not always easy, especially as they get older and their influences diversify.
We have a son who is a gun enthusiast. It’s the most horrifying thing in the world to me.
We have another daughter who is Mormon – a religion with a history of damaging decrees on people of color, women, and families. The opposite of my moral code.
These choices are difficult things to reconcile.
And though I may always secretly hope that their loyalties shift away from the NRA and the LDS, this is who they are right now and I love them, in spite of, and because of that. They are both exploring the world in new and bold ways. And they are not taking what is given to them by their parents. They are making mindful choices that they alone own and I am proud of both of them
So, there it is. Maybe that’s the hardest part of parenting. Love your kid no matter what.
Believe me when I tell you I understand the magnitude of this ask. I fully understand the sadness that can sink in when you realize you are not going to be able to connect with your kid in the same way you hoped you were going to. ‘
We feel that loss, and we can feel it hard.
But, you are not alone.
Every parent experiences this in some way and when we move through it and learn to love wholly in grace, well…that is when we get our wings as real parents.
So…
No matter who you thought they were going to be when this child first came into your life.
No matter how far from that they have travelled.
No matter what you may think about their choices…
Just love them through their transitions and explorations.
Set boundaries; tread carefully…
But love your kids for exactly who they are.
