In 2014, I wrote a piece called Walk With Grace and Other Shit to Say to Your Kids. 

It was a list of phrases my husband and I use in situations that can sometimes leave you frazzled. 

My husband and I say these phrases because we have thought about them. 

They reflect a message we want to send. 

Since then, our family has matured and we have guided several children through becoming teenagers and young adults.

Our shit to say to your kids toolkit has expanded – just like our patience and tolerance.

Sometimes peeking into the way others think about things is interesting and helpful, so I thought I would curate another list that reflects life in the Mangiacotti-Miller house.

 

Is there anything I can do for you?

This is great for owies (painful moments), both physical and emotional. 

Sometimes ice or essential oils are the love and care needed. 

Social and emotional owies can be treated with this as well.  

“Can I help you practice saying what you want to say to them?”  

“Can I hear all about that?”

Basically, it is the constant message that you matter and you are not alone. 

 

Goodwill Points

We started really vocalizing this idea as we explored with the kids the concept of fairness (I don’t know if you heard, but kids really like talking about fairness). 

The question was asked:

“How come they get to…” 

and sometimes the answer is: 

“Because they have built up their goodwill points.” 

People often react to you cumulatively, and if you have not been kind or helpful in the past, you may not have the same opportunities you would have if you had accumulated many goodwill points over time. 

In short, luck tends to favor those who build up the goodwill.

 

That sounds like it was scary/frustrating/happy/confusing…

I really like this response.

Nothing brings calm like being able to name a feeling, 

It is named. It is real. Someone cares about it.

Ahhhhh…. 

 

Do you want a cuddle? Or Can I have a Cuddle?

This little baby is a two-for-one! 

First, you get to practice the much-needed art of consent, and secondly,,, CUDDLES!

 

Could you let that go?

So, this one is good for a lot of things. Most things, really. 

But, I have been using it lately with my very precocious 9-year-old. 

His mind is sharp and his facts are good and he can very likely correct most people in most rooms. But just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. 

Correcting people or commenting on their grammar or pronunciation can feel mean or dismissive, especially to other 9-year-olds. 

I want my kids to walk through the world with grace, and that means not putting others down – even when you are right and your intention is to help.

You may be right, but are you being kind?

Spoiler alert – Kindness matters more.

Since I don’t want my son shoved (or worse) by someone who is upset about being corrected and who can only articulate that with force, we are exploring the fine art of letting some stuff go, understanding the essence of what your friend said, and being kind. 

I know they just said something inaccurate, but could you let that go?

Broken Windows 

Before he became the vapid, squawking commentator on Fox news, Rudy Giuliani actually embraced a good idea. Using the theory of Broken Windows, he used his position as Mayor of New York to concentrate on smaller problems like vandalism, public drinking, or fare evasion with the idea that creating an atmosphere of law and order creates more law and order (lowering the bigger crimes). 

Now I am not saying I treat my kids as criminals – well not usually, but this ideology has legs. 

If I leave dishes in the sink, all of the sudden every item in every cabinet is taken out of its rightful place and piled on every clean surface of my kitchen. 

If I don’t fold and put away laundry in a timely fashion, everyone immediately resorts to tossing and dumping and scrambling on the floor for clothes like pigs snorting for truffles. Chaos is contagious, and if you let one thing slide, everything begins to slide. 

The slippery slope to a crazy messy house is not happy for me and does not create peace in my home. 

So when we walk through the house and see a book on the counter instead of in the bookcase or a pair of socks on the floor, we just point and say “Broken windows”. It is code for “Please be respectful of everyone’s space and help create harmony in our home.”

They love it. 

Just kidding, They don’t love it. But it works. 

 

Tell me about that…

This is my first-responder. We all like to be listened to.

I use it when presented with artwork and fears, plans and ideas. Before I layer my reaction or opinion on anything, I like my kids to have the time they need to explore an idea in its entirety.

And it’s a non-leading question, so the answer is more likely to be in their words instead of yours.

 

We can schedule another time to talk about your concerns about me…

If you have teenagers, or even precocious tweens – this one is great to keep in your back pocket for the inevitable moment when they turn on you and tell you everything you ever have done in front of them that may or may not be contortable into an argument about how hypocritical you are.

If your kids are not yet at this stage, drink every last drop of these glory days – you will likely need that strength later.

So, when the conversation turns to “But you…”

STOP THEM 

Do not get derailed. Do not defend yourself. 

This is a diversionary tactic. 

Instead, affirm the fact that you want to listen to their concerns about you, but since the actions of another person are not YOUR reactions, they should be discussed separately. Schedule a time. 

 

A chaser…

Yes, I borrow from drinking culture to speak to my kids. 

Don’t judge me.

This is just a little term for when you have done something emotionally intense and you need a moment of levity to get back to a positive mind set. 

This can be a performance, a fight, or a scary movie. 

Sometimes you just need a chaser. 

 

Create don’t consume…

We are not a big rules family. We just are not. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah – consistency and structure and blah blah blah…

That is not who we are. We don’t have rules about screens, but we do talk about a mind that creates verses a mind that consumes.

When they have spent some time consuming, instead of shouting “Shut off the TV!” we just remind them it is time to create not consume. 

 

We are all recycled stardust…

We are all made of the same thing. We are all one. We are all connected.

This is one of my more hippie sayings, but I use it when I want to talk about how racism, or geopolitical boundaries, or animal cruelty, or irresponsible deforestation, or hate in any form DOES NOT MAKE SENSE.

It is the closest we come to going to church these days, but I will take it.

 

There are lots of right ways to do things…

There sure are.

This is a good one for when your kids, especially teenagers, get judgy about others. 

(oof, no! We are all recycled stardust – remember?)

When you hear something like “Their family doesn’t even eat dinner together ever” or “She thinks bacon is good for you.” or whatever assessment they have made about another person’s way of doing things.

My response is administered in a curt and conversation-ending way…

There are lots of right ways to do things. Basta! 

 

Basta!

Enough! This is actually a phrase every parent already uses, but in Italian. 

 

The world is not your hamper!

This one is for my daughter who stuffs her dance clothes and socks into every corner of my house (and car), but I also believe it has more far-reaching implications. 

Respect the space around you. #Brokenwindows 

 

Move over, you are a Mangiacotti-Miller!

We currently have a house guest who has taken over my daughter’s room and she was very surprised to see my daughter give up her room graciously. 

But my daughter has been raised that way. We work together, none of us more precious than the next. 

We practice radical hospitality. 

When a stranger comes to your door, you make another seat at the table, and you move over to make room. 

That is how Mangiacotti-Millers do it.

Side note: I really wish I was in charge of immigration policy. 

 

You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit!

Classic. You are likely not as entitled to the thing you want as you think you are. So, curb that expectation and up that appreciation. 

Throwing a fit affects the whole family, and we don’t love it. 

 

Suck it up, Buttercup!

You may be noticing a pattern here. 

We have a big family. We have an even bigger world – it can’t be about you all the time. We are all in a delicate balance of everyone’s needs and some days you will be a giver and some days you need to be a taker, but today is just not your day and you need to…

Suck it up, Buttercup (I am hoping the appended term of endearment softens the sentiment). 

 

Where is my phone?

This is not about parenting, but when I asked my kids about the things I say most often, survey says: number one answer!

 

We love you no matter what

Yes. I know I included this in the last one, but we all know if your kids can hear this and believe it, nothing else really matters.