I have seen a number of articles recently claiming that when boys tease and become physically aggressive with girls, it is because the boy likely has a crush on the girl. 

These articles say that we are setting girls up to equate love with abuse. We are romanticizing these interactions and victim-blaming the girl in the situation. Girls should never have to deal with harassment or any non-consensual touching. These articles all have a lot to say about protecting girls from unhealthy expectations and feeling dismissed. They have a lot to say about how to keep girls healthy and how to give the girls words to advocate for themselves…

And of course this is all true. Of course we as grown-ups work to help girls realize their dignity and worth. Of course we as grown-ups help girls to stand up for themselves in strength and integrity. Of course we should be thinking about how to create safe school spaces for girls. 

Yes, I think we can all get behind that.

But here is the thing…

Violence against women is a men’s issue.

Or, in this case, violence against girls is a boys’ issue. We are encouraging girls to stand up for themselves, often aggressively, without realizing there may be another confused child in the equation. If we concentrate only on holding girls up and we fail to help the boys express themselves in respectful ways, we miss a huge opportunity for growth. Of course we tell girls they don’t deserve abuse and that it is never about them, but we need to continue the conversation to say what it is about. Like this:

“Maybe he has feelings he doesn’t understand about you, maybe you remind him of something or someone he has complicated feelings about, or maybe he just wants to engage with you and is uncertain how.

But for sure, he is struggling here too and sometimes boys are not allowed to talk about their feelings. Vulnerability can make boys a target for teasing. Boys get an onslaught of messages telling them they need to be tough. That may be why he is trying to be tough with you.

If you don’t like it, let’s talk about how to advocate for yourself with compassion for this kid who may also be having a super hard time. 

It is not your responsibility to fix him, but it is everyone’s responsibility to put more kindness into the world.”

Our boys are lost; they are confused and scared and young and looking to a society to guide them – but the society has all kinds of dinosaur ideas about gender and relationships and vulnerability that make no sense or yield the worst guidance. No wonder the new generations are rejecting gender roles. 

Gender roles kinda suck for everyone.

They certainly suck for the girl getting kicked, but they also suck for the boy who kicks because acting with force is what many male role models appear to do. He kicks because no one has told him emotions are real and valid and ok to have. He kicks because it stops him from crying in frustration because boys most definitely should not cry, and he has already internalized that nonsense. 

We need to be better for boys. We need to have honest conversations and shifted thinking. We need brave boys who cry and say what they mean and we need to start right now, and we need to start at birth. 

We need to do it in all the big and small ways. Let’s stop feeding the “Boys are dumb” narrative. Girl Power should not come at the expense of Boy Power; it sits beside it and creates power for all people. We need to start telling boys that the “Boys Will Be Boys” excuse bullshit is unfair to them because it treats them like they can’t be better.

Let’s take back the phrase. Run Like a Girl now means you win world cups. 

And maybe Boys Will Be Boys should now mean Boys will be Caring and Kind. 

I think we can do it.

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