Relationships Are Easy
In a few weeks, my husband and I will get married…again.
This will be our third time because we decided lifelong commitments are only for suckers and the devil. We promised to reevaluate, renegotiate, and remarry every 5 years for as long as we both shall love.
For us, this time meant unpacking a lot of baggage we have collected over the past 10 or so years. A lot of baggage. This is what most people call “Hard Work”, as in “relationships are a lot of hard work.” and in a way they are, but what I have discovered in all the baggage unpacking is that the hard work of relationships is the hard work you have to do on yourself.
It is easy to see where your partner falls short but much harder to see where you do.
I know intimate relationships are intense and tricky. I know intimate partners often see the worst of us. I know that intimate relationships make us vulnerable in ways that can easily trigger us and break us. But I also know that we only ever really have control over how we act in the relationship. I also know that we tend to point our critical lenses anywhere but on ourselves.
Sometimes in a relationship, asking yourself the hard questions about yourself is the key to unlocking relationship frustrations. Sometimes in a relationship, or a job, or anything, the key to unlocking our best selves is about working on ourselves. This doesn’t mean every relationship is right for you, just like every job will not be right for you.
However, if the underlying problem is how you feel about yourself – you simply take that to the next relationship or the next job. If you are unhappy with your partner, flip the script a little and see where you might have some influence over the situation.
Ask yourself the hard questions:
Your partner is not listening to you – are you being clear?
You don’t feel like a priority to your partner – is your partner a priority to you?
You can’t stand how your partner does something – can you find it in your heart to accept their way of doing it?
Your partner is not doing their fair share of the work- are you doing your fair share of the work?
Your partner is not loving you enough – are you the most loving you can be to your partner?
Last night my husband/editor and my son performed in a concert together, singing their hearts out. My son was happy and comfortable on stage, doing his best and taking risks. It was not very hard to see why he was doing that as I looked next to him and saw his dad doing the same thing. My husband practiced the song with our son, putting in the work with a great attitude, and our son followed suit.
You get back from something what you put into it. When the idea of performance first came up, if my husband would have said “No, no — not me — I can’t sing!” we would never have had that magical moment. My son would have heard a different message and maybe followed suit.
You get out of relationships what you put into them. That is why people say relationships are so much work. Working on being your best self is exhausting, but not living your best life is even more exhausting and you have even less control over it.
If you have done the work on yourself that has led you to a place where you think you deserve good love and you have a suitable mate, the relationship can be full of ease.
Of course, there are times when it may be challenging because partnering can be hard, but not miserable – because you have control over your reactions.
When we lose sight over the idea that we can make our own choices to create the intimate relationship we want to have, we can feel powerless. When we feel powerless, we tend to seek to blame those who created that situation and sometimes we fail to put ourselves on that list.
When we feel frustrated, sometimes the last thing on our minds is how we can shift our thinking.
Relationships are easy. Working on yourself – that’s the hard part.
